Who will I wish this Father's Day?

How can I make that call, when I can feel the silence that will greet me?

How can I reconcile,
This painful din,
With that numbing silence?

No one to wish,
No one to call dad,
No one to replace.

Carried forward,
And how long,
In what form?

Where are you now?
Why is this distance,
So, so hard?

I am lucky I had you for so long,
But never enough,
And the years ahead cloaked in loss.

Today if I called,
What would reply?
A vacant room,
A silent watch,
An old T-shirt.

Only the space in my life would echo.

With daddy - my forever partner in crime

Kindred spirits...

I was a tad clingy....

Love you Dad

Fluttering of a third eye...

Memories of a place called home,

Tarnished by a perplexing new address-

Love and warmth from this magical space

Has found its final resting place.

Tentative beginnings,

Virgin footsteps in the snow

Short-lived, erased by rain

New memories strewn like forgotten gold.

And in this whirlpool

One final decision-

To drop anchor

To watch it sink to a sandy floor.

As a dust cloud settles,

The dancing has left my feet.

I curl up to sleep,

My heart flutters unforced.

One eye fixed-

On an open suitcase.

One last sad smile....

For so many days,

An imposing wall,

A second nature that thrives,

On denial.

One day melts into another-

On a chain they're strung.

So perfect; so fragile,

Never a cause for concern.

But one simple monologue,

A wrist watch,

And the wall is breached-

It crumbles.

The wound opens again,

And I can't stop the bleeding.

Cowardice...

I'm such a coward
I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm such a coward,
I couldn't take pain no more.

I tried to kill myself today
I wanted to end it all.

I'm such a coward
I wanted to feel pain for you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to bleed like you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to suffer too.

I'm such a coward,
I just couldn't do it.

lost...

I cry for those-
Who never knew you.
I cry for all that
You never saw.

I cry for myself
Who knew you so well.

I see you now,
As I saw you that day-
Cold,not breathing,unseeing-
And so Loved.

So loved, So missed
So dear.
A snowflake,
On the hottest day.

I see you now-
Raising a toast in heaven.

Fading away...

A voice breaks my reverie;
One that I've heard before,
Not startled,
They grow louder , more calming.

I flip a page,
Back to years ago-
To a haunting memory, a smiling face,
Etched forever in time.

I am so alone
My thoughts echo unbearably
In my loneliness I allow-
An indulgent hallucination.

I dream I was there
Part of forbidden conversation,
Now I am in so deep -
I can't get back.

Comfort so ethereal,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
An outstretched hand-
All but tendrils of smoke.

A distinct memory;
Begins to evanesce,
My darkest desire,
Hovers; just out reach.

An eyelid flutters
A gaze cast out the window,
A wisp of white
Dazzles by....


The ghosts come a - haunting
I know you will let them stay.

Unraveling...

Today I started to clear daddy's closet...

Each shirt with its whimsical splash of color takes me back in time.To a different place.
The white shirt he wore to my high school play..Sunshine checks for a summery morning...Grey t-shirt for a trip to Yoga class.

A well worn night dress...one mismatched button.A purple shirt from this time last year...to see the man I meant to marry...A regal kurta from the evening of my engagement..

Where did those days go Daddy?

Today..they are just colored pieces of yarn...