Saying goodbye but unable to let go....

 'The dog represents all that is best in man' - Etienne Charlet
Indistinguishable from absolute truth, a dog-ma if you will.....Tired cliches cannot soften the blow, for the truth is that we lost one of our best friends, and we will always mourn, we will be painfully aware that while we were a part of his life, he completed ours....

Vivid playful sunshine,
Not a cloud in sight,
To cushion my guilt,
To drink in my tears.

A grassy square,
A final resting place,
Youthful mischief-
Forever immortalized (in an aging form).

Precious, penultimate moments,
Adorned in trust and mirth,
So quickly at rest,
Like cotton candy in your veins.

How did it unravel so quickly?
One single thread,
Valiantly fighting,
To keep it whole.

And we will not recover,
One secure corner forever to haunt,
The silence -
So overpowering, so deafening.

For we are guilty,
Wrenching pain,
Bartered for lifelong peace.



We miss you my darling Boo.

One last sad smile....

For so many days,

An imposing wall,

A second nature that thrives,

On denial.

One day melts into another-

On a chain they're strung.

So perfect; so fragile,

Never a cause for concern.

But one simple monologue,

A wrist watch,

And the wall is breached-

It crumbles.

The wound opens again,

And I can't stop the bleeding.

Volatile....

You taught me to walk
Today I lead
Faltering
Frail
Unsteady
Is it still you?

A tuft of hair
One painful wheeze
I ache to protect you
To comfort
To keep you safe
I failed.

Our roles were reversed
So quickly
So dependent
And child-like

I'll do better,please come back.

One fateful day
A haunting hour
You disappeared
Into a void

And I'm still here
Why.

Cowardice...

I'm such a coward
I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm such a coward,
I couldn't take pain no more.

I tried to kill myself today
I wanted to end it all.

I'm such a coward
I wanted to feel pain for you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to bleed like you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to suffer too.

I'm such a coward,
I just couldn't do it.

lost...

I cry for those-
Who never knew you.
I cry for all that
You never saw.

I cry for myself
Who knew you so well.

I see you now,
As I saw you that day-
Cold,not breathing,unseeing-
And so Loved.

So loved, So missed
So dear.
A snowflake,
On the hottest day.

I see you now-
Raising a toast in heaven.

Fading away...

A voice breaks my reverie;
One that I've heard before,
Not startled,
They grow louder , more calming.

I flip a page,
Back to years ago-
To a haunting memory, a smiling face,
Etched forever in time.

I am so alone
My thoughts echo unbearably
In my loneliness I allow-
An indulgent hallucination.

I dream I was there
Part of forbidden conversation,
Now I am in so deep -
I can't get back.

Comfort so ethereal,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
An outstretched hand-
All but tendrils of smoke.

A distinct memory;
Begins to evanesce,
My darkest desire,
Hovers; just out reach.

An eyelid flutters
A gaze cast out the window,
A wisp of white
Dazzles by....


The ghosts come a - haunting
I know you will let them stay.

Unanswered Questions..

So many people tell me that daddy hasn't really gone anywhere..he is with me.. and will be always.If you're here daddy, here are some things I have been wondering....

Where are you now daddy?

Why did you leave me without saying Good Bye ?

Is there any pain now daddy?

I can't believe he is gone..I can't believe that my life with him is over..I can't believe I am no one's 'princess' no one to call me ' noisy girl'....I miss you daddy.....

Do you think I should really get my PhD daddy?

Is there 'special dahi sev puri' where you are? Have you told them you like it 'theekha' ...?

Who do you walk with now daddy?

So many unfinished ideas....so many dreams...shattered...the pieces surround me

Your spectacles are still here...can you see clearly daddy?

Do you get su-doku puzzles where you are?

Do you still snore at night daddy ?

So many unfinished conversations...so many 'I love yous' left unsaid....so many minutes more I wish we had...

How do I go on from here daddy ?

Do you still remember me ?

Is it ok to continue living without you ?

Can I come join you daddy ?

Unraveling...

Today I started to clear daddy's closet...

Each shirt with its whimsical splash of color takes me back in time.To a different place.
The white shirt he wore to my high school play..Sunshine checks for a summery morning...Grey t-shirt for a trip to Yoga class.

A well worn night dress...one mismatched button.A purple shirt from this time last year...to see the man I meant to marry...A regal kurta from the evening of my engagement..

Where did those days go Daddy?

Today..they are just colored pieces of yarn...

Torn....

When did it get like this ? Why is it so hard to see black from white today? Everything seems misted with a powdery grey mist.Tears stream down my face as I sit to write this..knowing that the subject of this post,like others before,will be daddy.So far from me...not a second removed from me though.....

What do I want for him?

Years ago....perhaps even this time last year the answer was so easy...For daddy to have a long life,be healthy,be with me through everything,see me through everything....Share my life with me! I took it for granted..Sure he would be around when I turned 30...40.He would be the one I called when I was given the green light to graduate,"Daddy,( I'd say..all bossy!) book tickets..your princess is graduating"

When I felt pain,I'd look to see if it mirrored in his eyes...and it would.Each time..When I laughed...Only he laughed louder...when I raged,only him to match me!When I said 'sorry', a shrug and a hug to follow....I knew things were so easy then.'Sorry' fixed most things,'I love you' fixed the rest!

I wanted for him to lead a peaceful life....retire..enjoy his 60's.Immerse himself in gardening,learning to sing...play the piano ( remember pinao daddy?) He insists, even today, on immitating all my mis-pronunciations.I replied to his admonition of 'bad girl Shilpa' with my very own, " Bad girl daddy!"...I wish I was back there today.Life was not so complicated...it was not so layered..

I wanted years and years of life with him....More memories..more time.

What do I want today?

I don't know..I want him to enjoy some peace...to not feel pain,to not be weak..or ill.I want him to be home for weeks at a stretch..never see a hospital bed again.I want his fragile arms to never feel the poke of a needle again...never need a pint of someone's blood.I don't want him to shed one more tear...never need one more test.I don't ever want him to suffer....

Does that mean..that I have to be prepared to say goodbye?

I don't want to...I want to hold on ...forever.Tighter and tighter...and never let anything come between us....

It seemed so easy ..to know what I want for him....

Now I'm torn.....