Lyricist required...Anu Malik is on the loose!!!

So , as we were driving back from lunch..I peered out of the window, " Dekho barish ho rahi hai'...for non-hindi speakers..no worries , Anu Malik was kind enough to translate,"It's raining,It's raning,It's rain..ing!"...And then ..My heart did in fact start paining...It's that time of the week again..the days when Anu Malik ,smug as a pumpkin,sits himself in the chair marked 'judge' ( not discard mind!) and spouts arrogant nonsense to talented youngsters! He uses words like "riyaaz","Antara"and "mukhada"..the three hindi words he has learnt..or Javed Akhtar coached him into using!
So why has no contestant told him that obviously his advice is a joke? How does he keep a straight face when he tells a contestant,"the bar has been raised"..perhaps we must take it that he has slipped through;under it ? If I was on the show...I would have sung a song by the great Anu-ji ,if only to watch Javed saab's face crunch in pain.Ahh the murder of Hindi is so brutal!Not to mention the '2 -for -the-price-of-one' jarring of ear drums! Dhol baje anyone? Of course we needn't quake with fear each time he threatens to 'direct' music for a film.Most often, the music is hummable and non-Anu-ish! ....because it isnt ...!
The dark,rain cloud filled sky makes the trees look so dramatic.The colours look wonderfully intense..Speaking of colours...ahh memories of Holi back home! And of course Malik ji's utterly fogettable ( but insanely entertaining) ..."Do me a favour..let's play Holi", ..do me a favour...let's not!! Rainy days..and hot chai.Such synonyms.Until the happy association was ruined by another off key song..."Ek garam chai ki pyaali ho"...the tea turned cold and the flies grew old..Are you serious Anu Malik?
So the mobile phone craze has hit young India..from my Sabziwala to pensive Dhirubhai..everyone sported one!Must technology be an excuse for this torture..." What is mobile number ?"....how many girls gave you their numbers Anu?You mean they weren't woo-ed by the oh-so-romantic,"Shut up, Aa Nachle?"..I for one am shocked! But I guess if "Aila re,Ladki mast" didn't do it.Hmph picky girls these days!
So of course the rains bring illness with them.Our lyrical genius, has a panacea.Turn it into an awful song..."She gives me fever"...not Ebola Anu?Meanwhile as Indian Idol ( with bar raised!) races towards a nail biting finale..Anu Malik seems not to care about who the next Idol will be ( gasp!..I mean our lives depend on it.Who will sing me out of electricity,phone and water troubles?Oh wait this isn't a post about all that!)I think he is happy that he is famous..( enough so to have his picture punched on a punching bag...)..he seems to hum..After all," Mein Mila...tu Mili"!!!
Enough of this inane ranting!We demand lyrics! We insist on good singing!Why should we be subjected to a new generation of torturous singers,because the only people they found to judge the show are a wannabe singer,a model-turned -actress( but of course) who faces accent slippage and confusion therefore and a yesteryear beauty known for her legs..Don't mind!We still watch it though...reminiscent of McGonagall's wait on a wall for a new Saviour!..Of course...I'm still allowed to diss 'Anu crap-ik or perhaps Dunno Malik'...After all..."Kya Kool hain hum" !!!