One last sad smile....

For so many days,

An imposing wall,

A second nature that thrives,

On denial.

One day melts into another-

On a chain they're strung.

So perfect; so fragile,

Never a cause for concern.

But one simple monologue,

A wrist watch,

And the wall is breached-

It crumbles.

The wound opens again,

And I can't stop the bleeding.

A unifying thread

I am back...after a long hiatus.

This time away has afforded me a chance to think..to reflect ( all those great things that are not quite me )..But there is no getting around it, every day I find something that can both separate us, but can also be a unifying thread.

This past year has been difficult, so difficult.I have chosen my own way of dealing with losing dad.It seems to work best for me right now...I pretend that it never happened.That I never lost my advisor,my cool guy, my gardening buddy.My comrade on every happy and loud Sunday morning.And that one person who always believed in me...even when self confidence was at an all-time low.

Late last year ,I attended a memorial service for someone I had known briefly and was fond of.A wound had been re-opened.I was reminded again of how fragile life really is...how uncertain it can be.But how wonderful...and how in that span you have the ability to make something great of your life.

It is always so touching to hear stories of past memories .Soon after dad passed away, I wouldn't have any of it.I didn't want to hear stories from the past, that would only force me to accept the present...But today..there are some days, listening to stories,most that I've heard before,it makes me smile.Thinking of dad as a youngster,bullying the neighbour's kids...standing up for his friends and siblings,relishing his favorite roadside food,stealing his uncle's car..all these warm memories make me smile.I am trying to block out the last year ...the illness..the weakness ,the irritability and pain.I don't want that to be the way I remember him most recently...but what can I do? When I try and see him in my mind..that's all that I can conjure up- Daddy weak and frail, walking unsteadily,gasping for breath,lying dwarfed by a hospital bed,hand riddled with needles and pain, scared...

Why did that illness take from me my memories of daddy? The cheeriest man,the loudest man couldn't string two sentences together without gasping or wheezing in between.Daddy ,who insisted that roadside food was totally safe ...wasn't allowed to eat it anymore.He would sniff sadly as we drove by.From the man who held my hand when I took my first steps...to the man who leaned heavily on me when he could barely manage steps of his own.From the bravest man I know,who insisted that no question was not worth asking,"What's the worst that they can say? No...that's the worst right?"..to a man whose face belied his fear when we wheeled him through those hospital doors.

My experience with cancer has always been a sad one.This one crushed me...it left me no will to live.I bet there are many others like me who have suffered through this terrible disease.Who have lost people they loved like life itself, and have lost to horrifying deaths like Daddy.Sometimes it is through these experiences,through such suffering that you find a common bond.I recently met someone ( who is now very important to me), through this process.Having lost her own mother very young,she has helped me regain a semblance of my zest for life.Something as personal as family and loss can help you forge bonds and find common ground.I believe in that now.

Something struck me at the memorial service I mentioned above.Listening to friends share their stories from an earlier time...I was reminded of stories we heard from people who had known dad.No one really remembers bad incidents or tells you of hurtful times...all they remember of a person's life is the good stuff.The happy days..the mischief..the laughs.

Memorial services are done differently where I am from.But what struck me at this,my first one in the US,was how similar they really are.A celebration of life, gratitude that you knew the person,perhaps a sign to let go of any remaining anger and a hope for the family to find acceptance and peace.The words were different...the colours,the language,the people...but the sentiment..the tears and the prayers..they were all the same.

Through out our lives we believe that language,race,culture and traditions are what defines us.Makes us who we are,and in doing so make us different from each other.

That day..I realised that in death,it is those very same things that unite us , that joins all our lives together with a common,unifying thread.

Now isn't this Ironic?

So there is this chance this one was inspired from the PhD comics...I've been reading them obsessively,have lost my sense of reality,and have needed reminding recently that they are fictional characters..Gasp!
Dealing with delusion has never been easy now has it....Forgive me this one indulgence!

Now this is Ironic!


A grad student turned ninety eight
Took the walk,got scooped the next day
You're starving,but look how much you weigh
You race to save your gel,but you're too late
Isn't it ironic...don't you think

It's like the roton who won't listen to a word you say
It's a free slice,but it's already stale
It's the paper draft that just didn't take
Who would've thought..it needed figures.


Mr.Smarty Pants' head began to sway
Fell asleep at a talk,one he gave meeting day
I screamed"Eureka!I knew I was right"..
Oops I'm looking at it from the wrong side
Well isn't that nice
And isn't it ironic..don't you think


Well your PI has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When your gel didn't run well,and the bands aren't right
Your post doc has a weird sense of humor when
He says you have to play music to his mice
And he isn't joking

It's showing up with a cloning manual on a date
It's talking prion disease while sharing a steak
It's writing a grant proposal to your future wife
It's making her first author
And being set for life

That isn't ironic..do you think...
Very normal...I do think

Deadlines have a funny way of sneaking up on you
You achieve nothing,yet you pass out
Yet you pass out


I'm toying with the idea of adding a link of me singing this version to music...hmmm. Either because I'm so wonderfully gifted..or the unlikely possibility of not wanting to work on paper that's due...
Maybe I'll conduct a poll instead...let me know what you think..

Volatile....

You taught me to walk
Today I lead
Faltering
Frail
Unsteady
Is it still you?

A tuft of hair
One painful wheeze
I ache to protect you
To comfort
To keep you safe
I failed.

Our roles were reversed
So quickly
So dependent
And child-like

I'll do better,please come back.

One fateful day
A haunting hour
You disappeared
Into a void

And I'm still here
Why.

Homo Scientificus ??

As always....most of my blog posts are inspired this way.Makes you wonder what I'm thinking of when I'm chatting with you on the phone , eh? Back to the point of course...I got thinking, are scientists a whole new breed? Are we a species so far removed from the world, that a brief description would read more like a survivors guide?

I continued to ponder earlier mentioned qaundry..hmmmm
Let us christen our universe 'Eppendorfia'....and peer into its mysterious workings...

Romance in our universe

Ahh candy fluff...none that is as saccharine as-
"Your gels are a marvel to behold"
"How steady be thy loading hand"
"How gently you lyse your cells"
"This chromatogram has such clear peaks...almost.." well never mind that one..!!!

Insults On Eppendorfia...

No saccharine without stupidity eh...

"You are as skewed as a nanodrop reading on tiny quantities of DNA"
" I would put your P-value at 0.01"
" You are about as enchanting to listen to as a sonicator"
"For one, even your bugs ( read E.coli) smell better than you"
And the ultimate put-down....Read do not pursue this one..
" I would rather read papers/write my thesis/submit an abstract than go out with you"

Songs that reverberate down in these depths...

Lysing me softly
One last prep
Enter Bossman
Bugs on Parade
Smells like pure spirit

And for the R&B in us
In da lab ( this one is really doing well!)
Broke forever ( Jay-Z nailed it here!)

When it comes to movies, we have the coolest lil theater in town...Inflickogen has been singing profit all month long

The Dark slide
Quantum of Sleep
High School Aerosol ( who doesn't like a good musical?)
What happens in P3..

In addition , there is this video that is really doing the rounds.A fellow 'dorfian you-tubed it for me , it explains wonderfully the process of protein synthesis,for I can't believe that anything should trouble you more...watch it here


There....that de-mystifies our race I believe...hah..and you thought we were hard to untangle? ( accompanied by derisive shake of head!hmph!)

PS...for my fellow Eppendorfians , news has it that Harry Potter is back from a conference and ready for a new semester,read all about it in 'Harry Potter and the disorder of the Plasmids'

The tube stayed open....

So after another long hiatus from this..Im back!!! Only because I love spoofs so much, partly because I'm lazy to actually write my own songs, and of course heavily because I'm going to the CREED concert this weekend...I came up with this...

May I never rest in peace for this...forgive me!


The tube was open

When I just heard the news today
It seems my gel is going to change
I close my eyes ,begin to sway
The tears of rage stream down my face

The tube stayed open
All day,all night
The abstract's a waste
Throw away everything
The tube stayed open
Stayed open....

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To face my boss,the God that be
I'll take a deep breath,Ill slip him some wine
I shake my head,Haven't created mice.

The tube stayed open
Oh that UV light
The abstract's a waste
Throw away everything.
The tube stayed open..
Now my promise has changed
I'll show you life
I'll show you mice reverting
The tube stayed open
The tube stayed open
I'll dream of mice reverting..oh yeah
The tube stayed open...wide open.

If I had just one dream
Only one desire
I hope they have one for me
I hope he works real hard
Then I can rule his life
And this can drive him mad
And he can clone the world
New guy on rotation.

The tube stayed open
All day,all night
Welcome to this place
Now I've seen everything,
The tube stayed open
Now I'm going insane
I'll sing for mice
I'll do anything
The tube stayed open
The tube stayed open
I can do anything..oh yeah
Back to lab at ten....at ten.

All I want for my Bday....

I don't want a lot for my Birthday
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the gifts
Making their way to me
I want you to laugh with me

More than you could ever know
Give me away,make it true








All I want for my birthday is..

You

I don't want to party for my B'day
There's just one thing I need
Just another pick-me -up dance
Like when I was three







I don't need a Guru for everyday,
I've got my very own







Only you can make me happy
With a hat on my birthday







I just want you both together
More than you could ever know











Make it whole again












All I want for my birthday is..

You

I wont ask for much this Birthday
I wont even ask you not to snore
I'm just gonna keep on prayin
Ur back for a 'lil bit more
I just want you here this night
Telling me its all alright









Saying there's nothing I can't do














All I want for my birthday is you

I don't want a lot for my B'day
This is all I'm begging for
I just want to see my daddy
Dancing outside my door.
Oh I just want you to lean on













More than you could ever know
Make my dream come true
All I want for my b'day is

You.

I miss you daddy...it doesn't feel the same without you.

Cowardice...

I'm such a coward
I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm such a coward,
I couldn't take pain no more.

I tried to kill myself today
I wanted to end it all.

I'm such a coward
I wanted to feel pain for you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to bleed like you,
I'm such a coward
I wanted to suffer too.

I'm such a coward,
I just couldn't do it.

lost...

I cry for those-
Who never knew you.
I cry for all that
You never saw.

I cry for myself
Who knew you so well.

I see you now,
As I saw you that day-
Cold,not breathing,unseeing-
And so Loved.

So loved, So missed
So dear.
A snowflake,
On the hottest day.

I see you now-
Raising a toast in heaven.

Forever ?

On each day
I miss you more
On a hot day
Your broad smile
On a rainy one-
An infectious laugh
A cold day brought
A grouchy grin.

With each passing hour,
I miss you more
I'm trying to stay still daddy
But the world I'm in,
It keeps taking me further away

I thought we were fighting together
Why did you let go Daddy?
Was it too painful to hold on?
I wish I had known..

I might have let you go too-
But now; I can't.

Fading away...

A voice breaks my reverie;
One that I've heard before,
Not startled,
They grow louder , more calming.

I flip a page,
Back to years ago-
To a haunting memory, a smiling face,
Etched forever in time.

I am so alone
My thoughts echo unbearably
In my loneliness I allow-
An indulgent hallucination.

I dream I was there
Part of forbidden conversation,
Now I am in so deep -
I can't get back.

Comfort so ethereal,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
An outstretched hand-
All but tendrils of smoke.

A distinct memory;
Begins to evanesce,
My darkest desire,
Hovers; just out reach.

An eyelid flutters
A gaze cast out the window,
A wisp of white
Dazzles by....


The ghosts come a - haunting
I know you will let them stay.

The day time stood stil.....

It's the 19th of June....

20th of June last year , daddy was diagnosed with cancer..

This year..he has been gone two months.

Maybe if I could have stopped time , held the day forever..I would never have lost him..

Never have had to know life without him..

Does it matter now....

All that remains....Ash, cold ash...and to earth returned.

Jungle Law..

A long muddy trail
Leaves painted with dust
Scorched earth; and today -
Blessed with rain.

One prowling eye,
A starving cub,
One leaping Impala-
A bloodied carcass ,a feast.

Mist shrouds the night
The sun bakes the day
Nothing here is constant
Nothing but change.

A lone pugmark marks the soil,
A single Leopard crouches low,
One lone pachyderm arrives,
Leaves, nothing for miles.

A fish eagle soars the sky,
One beady eye fixed on food.
A piercing wail-
A bird calls from a ghost tree.

A skull decorates the grass.
A crocodile aches for body warmth.

All who walk here,
Walk alone.

Unanswered Questions..

So many people tell me that daddy hasn't really gone anywhere..he is with me.. and will be always.If you're here daddy, here are some things I have been wondering....

Where are you now daddy?

Why did you leave me without saying Good Bye ?

Is there any pain now daddy?

I can't believe he is gone..I can't believe that my life with him is over..I can't believe I am no one's 'princess' no one to call me ' noisy girl'....I miss you daddy.....

Do you think I should really get my PhD daddy?

Is there 'special dahi sev puri' where you are? Have you told them you like it 'theekha' ...?

Who do you walk with now daddy?

So many unfinished ideas....so many dreams...shattered...the pieces surround me

Your spectacles are still here...can you see clearly daddy?

Do you get su-doku puzzles where you are?

Do you still snore at night daddy ?

So many unfinished conversations...so many 'I love yous' left unsaid....so many minutes more I wish we had...

How do I go on from here daddy ?

Do you still remember me ?

Is it ok to continue living without you ?

Can I come join you daddy ?

Unraveling...

Today I started to clear daddy's closet...

Each shirt with its whimsical splash of color takes me back in time.To a different place.
The white shirt he wore to my high school play..Sunshine checks for a summery morning...Grey t-shirt for a trip to Yoga class.

A well worn night dress...one mismatched button.A purple shirt from this time last year...to see the man I meant to marry...A regal kurta from the evening of my engagement..

Where did those days go Daddy?

Today..they are just colored pieces of yarn...

Alone...

Daddy passed away ....20th of April...

I am his mirror.....I was his reflection....

Today, I am all alone.

Torn....

When did it get like this ? Why is it so hard to see black from white today? Everything seems misted with a powdery grey mist.Tears stream down my face as I sit to write this..knowing that the subject of this post,like others before,will be daddy.So far from me...not a second removed from me though.....

What do I want for him?

Years ago....perhaps even this time last year the answer was so easy...For daddy to have a long life,be healthy,be with me through everything,see me through everything....Share my life with me! I took it for granted..Sure he would be around when I turned 30...40.He would be the one I called when I was given the green light to graduate,"Daddy,( I'd say..all bossy!) book tickets..your princess is graduating"

When I felt pain,I'd look to see if it mirrored in his eyes...and it would.Each time..When I laughed...Only he laughed louder...when I raged,only him to match me!When I said 'sorry', a shrug and a hug to follow....I knew things were so easy then.'Sorry' fixed most things,'I love you' fixed the rest!

I wanted for him to lead a peaceful life....retire..enjoy his 60's.Immerse himself in gardening,learning to sing...play the piano ( remember pinao daddy?) He insists, even today, on immitating all my mis-pronunciations.I replied to his admonition of 'bad girl Shilpa' with my very own, " Bad girl daddy!"...I wish I was back there today.Life was not so complicated...it was not so layered..

I wanted years and years of life with him....More memories..more time.

What do I want today?

I don't know..I want him to enjoy some peace...to not feel pain,to not be weak..or ill.I want him to be home for weeks at a stretch..never see a hospital bed again.I want his fragile arms to never feel the poke of a needle again...never need a pint of someone's blood.I don't want him to shed one more tear...never need one more test.I don't ever want him to suffer....

Does that mean..that I have to be prepared to say goodbye?

I don't want to...I want to hold on ...forever.Tighter and tighter...and never let anything come between us....

It seemed so easy ..to know what I want for him....

Now I'm torn.....

Karma Confusion....

So..well of course sentimental babbling is so not me! It's just the whole similie of life as a bungee jump hit me while I was researching ( read Facebooking!) ...

This is another thought process that I kickstarted on my recent trip India..My dad spent a lot of time in the hospital.Most of my three weeks was spent sitting by his bedside,wishing we were all somewhere else.Someone else..a different start!..Many many hours I watched, the hypnotic drip of his IV line,the steady breath of someone in a drug-induced slumber,the clockwork check by a nurse on call ..so many activities..and still I felt like I was frozen in time.So helpless , too powerless to change anything....

India has this magic..it gets me thinking each time.( Scarier still since I am on the course to a phd , and hence earth-shaking thought process should be an everyday activity! bah humbug!) This time around..I landed on a question of Karma.So each time prior to this one,I'd question my dad's illness.Each session begun with a mournful "Why me ?"...ending on a statement of similar sentiment.I envied friend's parents being able to visit them in a new home, I wished mine could stay away from hospital for a month.I was jealous when my friends could have conversation with their parents that didn't center around Chemotherapy or pain or appetite loss.Was this Karma ? Was I being leveled for feeling pangs of jealousy?

I have not been a saint.There are people I have hurt.I know I have.If you're reading this, you know who you are,I am sorry.I wish there was a way to go back...change all that.Is that Karma? A lesson for all the stuff I've done? Harsh words,exacting expectations and immature exchanges..ahh for the things I could take back.

Is it true that it catches up with you? Is that Karma ? Am I to expect payback for every thing I've done? Is there a way to offset this crazy cycle? What exactly are the terms of this leveling mechanism?

If I could...I'd do anything to change what my family is going through now.People write to me..tell me they admire how we are dealing with it all.They help us keep going.Because the Lord knows it..We haven't a clue.I don't know the best way to react just yet.Or how sad I am allowed to be.Or how its ok to live my life from time to time.

Perhaps its also alright for me to wish that I had a normal 20's.With parents visiting me,and where going home didn't mean days at the hospital.No jealousy....just wishes...

But this past few months I have spent more time with my dad , than I ever have growing up.Why do we wait till we have bad news to huddle together? I have supported him more this last few months than I ever have before.I have held him more...wiped away more tears.I have let myself go..and lived for the present than ever before.I have delighted in little things,him being able to walk by himself, I have been more his daughter this past year than the last 24.

I know him better now.I have been there to comfort him, to translate ' medical jargon' for him..to allay his fears.To love him...for now..for every day we have together.To have him tell me how much I mean to him..

Is this Karma too...I guess I'll take it!

A leap of faith!

So I just re-visited pictures from a trip to Livingstone...Of my Bungee jumping adventure and the rush of freedom that I felt with it..It kicked up a thought process...that translated into this..

A chance meeting,
A sudden decision,
One thin bridge -
Forged over rumbling waters.

A brief training,
One single instructor
5 terrifying moments-
One deep breath.

A question of faith,
A tremble of future,
One binding rope,
One lifeline!

A walk to the edge,
A glance down the gorge,
A robust countdown-
A leap of faith.

One weightless moment,
A downward hurtle,
An anxious prayer,
And the cord jerks!

Hanging by my feet,
The world is upside down,
A new beauty-
A breath of life!

I'd do this again....I did...This is how I met you Mosi!

Me!

My Questions over time...

I was spurred to write this after reading a prompt here ....I've never sat down to write inspired by another's thought...this is a first!

So this is a topic I have consciously avoided the past few months...that of Longevity.My dad was diagnosed with cancer the week before my wedding (about 7 months ago) and it took me many months to accept that he was sick.Only recently,I cried the whole night,body-wracking sobs and wailing that forced me to accept it...and to question it...

The first of many questions..Why my dad? Why my 'daddy'?

I have been a daddy's girl most of my life.(Except when it was convenient to switch because Dad was being strict for some unfathomable reason..I mean come on,staying out past 4 am and walking home alone is so mundane!) To think that he was ill...with a disease that we could never really win a battle against made me angry.I felt like being in the field was a cruel joke ..one I would not survive.

Once a tentative acceptance had been forged....my question melted into Will he get better?

Doctors confirmed with official shakes of the head that he would indeed be fine..soon.I entertained visions of him visiting me in Lusaka,staying in my( first ever married girls) house,watching with swollen chest my PhD graduation as tears streamed down his stubbled face.I am not sure anymore...I want to hope but am scared.

Watching him these past few months in the hospital..dwarfed by the bed and attached to an IV..my eyes well up each time I enter his room, and each time I leave.I see his eyes search for a sign that he is free to join me journey home.I remember the time ,as a 5 year old I came down with a bout of pneumonia.He couldn't stand the sight of my arm being pierced in search of a vein..and was asked to leave the room,tears streaming down his face.Daddy...why are you leaving me?, I shrieked.Always I asked him questions...only the words changing with time.

He knew the answers....he knows them all....

I was a mess...one week to go till the wedding and no smiles in place.My daddy gave me that strength.He wore his biggest smile...he shrugged on his strongest self...and gave me a wedding,memories and a life that dreams are made of.All of it...my daddy did for me.
All through the wedding....I took my dad aside...How are you feeling dad?

He smiled for the camera..he smiled for me...

My brother got married the month after me.The year that was to be the highlight in Iyer history..was quickly turning into a dramatic nightmare.Dad was 2 sessions of chemotherapy down..and showing the effect.Tired, sad and angry....he struggled to be a dashing Father of the Groom...From the strongest man I have ever known to a dependent patient he made a transition...one that broke me to watch.

What can I get you daddy?

With time....the words morphed into newer questions.They say time changes things...it brings acceptance...and peace.For me, time brought newer challenges...newer questions..

Can I deal with this? Can I grow up quick enough?

I was daddy's princess...I still am! We are cut of the same bolt,he and I.We shared a passion...for fun,laughter and gardening.Sunday mornings were often spent pottering around outside with a frisky mutt for company.Daddy is my hero.He understood my need to 'be myself'.To spread my wings...to fly.He said he understood if I never found someone I wanted to marry....
He understood when I did, he hugs Mosi like a son...although he never accepts how emotional that day was for him....

Did I hurt you daddy?

A few days ago...Dad suffered an electrolyte imbalance.His immunity is shot from the chemo..and the drugs are fogging his mind.He isn't coherent today...doesn't remember things clearly...

Do you remember me Daddy?

I get on a plane to go home tomorrow.....a question that I had hoped would not cross my mind..atleast not this soon passes foreboding...

How much time do we have Daddy?

Tears roll down my face....