Blues on a sunny day........

It has crept up on me again - and it will soon be time to move...However did I let this happen again. I swore; the last time would be just that - the last! Yet, here I am again...on the verge of disappearing from a circle that has grown to surround me, to keep me safe and smiling. Yes, and to keep me chattering away- and we all know what a tragedy that would be should it change!

I've been watching ( euphemism for being addicted to naturally), a TV show that among other things is about friendship, loyalty and protective spirit. I've meant to write this post for a good while now - however aforementioned TV show has had me caught up in its tangled arms. I have tried to scribble ( is it still called that when it involves spacebar and backspace?) out a few words every now and again - but with my most current distraction ruling the roost ( TV-wise anyhow), my writing is even worse than usual. And again as usual - I must ask y'alls indulgence here....

What does it mean to move away ..to leave everything I love about this place behind? It saddens me ...I have met some amazing people here. They have, among other things helped me begin a process of self betterment. You know who you are...and your job is not even nearly half-done! Serious politics, geeky science, loud games of counterstrike..... now the silence will be unnerving. Hours spent decoding the mysteries of upcoming fall fashion..the hunt for that perfect pair of red sandals...A sip here and a stroke there..Masterpieces that now adorn all our walls (for explanation of that scroll to the bottom where I shall shamelessly flaunt my painting skills...NOT!). I have discovered something that both surprises and irks me - I might be able to handle being around children (naturally above a certain age, and with the option of being returned to parent as and when )...but still. Anyone who knows me...knows of me even , will know what this means. It has come from meeting and getting to know two wonderful kids- intelligent and so very well behaved. Amazingly..the sight of me doesn't make them quake or disappear either...the children these days are definitely tough! I'll miss the mid-morning phone calls to discuss work, lunch, the evening plans ( which everyone knows is not something I really bother about..plans? what plans?), movies..coffee...all those words that I am allowed a day ( 2000 isn't it?) spent on that phone call...but it makes me smile. From ugly fights, to leaky roofs, from a craving that's been fed to a secret spot to talk ...to let my guard down and cry...This place....the people I have been lucky to know have made it more than home.

I am scared today - a new city beckons, a new place. A new start...a new worry - Am I too old to do this again? Will I fail ? Worse...what if I am not smart enough? Will I be that success story I've dreamt about for so many years? Will I make my family proud...will I make my daddy proud? Will I, once again..be my daddy's girl? I am scared........

I am terrified....as I move away. I am terrified to be leaving this place and all that is familiar. More than that, I am terrified I will lose all y'all. That I will lose the bonhomie I am now so used to, I will lose the comfort that has become familiar and the feeling of being around family even when mine is many miles away. I am terrified you will forget me...that distance will creep in and everything will change...I am terrified that I will have lost you.

But I have brought this upon us..my group here...And it is my burden isn't it?
All I can ask is this.....Let me go....but don't; let me go........



Yes yes as promised here is Beaky....the psychedelic peacock....Something to take away from the gravity of this post. Nothing like a purple peacock now is there?

Fluttering of a third eye...

Memories of a place called home,

Tarnished by a perplexing new address-

Love and warmth from this magical space

Has found its final resting place.

Tentative beginnings,

Virgin footsteps in the snow

Short-lived, erased by rain

New memories strewn like forgotten gold.

And in this whirlpool

One final decision-

To drop anchor

To watch it sink to a sandy floor.

As a dust cloud settles,

The dancing has left my feet.

I curl up to sleep,

My heart flutters unforced.

One eye fixed-

On an open suitcase.

My mother's daughter

Mommy was here visiting me for a few weeks.Now don't get me wrong, she isn't loud or bossy, aggressive or dominating ...although that does sound like someone lovable we all know..But I digress...Without her, my house is so quiet, so empty and just a little less welcoming.Having mom here, was almost like having a slice of home and childhood brought to me.

Mothers and daughters...a wonderfully done-to-death topic. The fights are legendary, the competition ageless, exacting expectations boundless and the love ...endless. Mom has been through so much. So much sacrifice, such struggle, many many tears she has wiped away whilst hiding her own from me. Mommy is both my gentle and delicate person to be protected and also my rock when I am weak. From her, perhaps I might learn someday of selfless love.

She and I have had a journey....oh! and what a journey...Six flags will pale in comparison to our rollercoaster. Today I am a little older, a little calmer and fervently hoping, a little wiser...I understand her better today.I understand that she and I are different people, more importantly I realise that that is okay. I enjoy this new turn of the ride...

Often people say their mom is their best friend....I beg to differ.I don't want to compress and force this wonderfully new relationship into a slot with an existing tag..

Today....I am happy being my mother's daughter.

One last sad smile....

For so many days,

An imposing wall,

A second nature that thrives,

On denial.

One day melts into another-

On a chain they're strung.

So perfect; so fragile,

Never a cause for concern.

But one simple monologue,

A wrist watch,

And the wall is breached-

It crumbles.

The wound opens again,

And I can't stop the bleeding.

A unifying thread

I am back...after a long hiatus.

This time away has afforded me a chance to think..to reflect ( all those great things that are not quite me )..But there is no getting around it, every day I find something that can both separate us, but can also be a unifying thread.

This past year has been difficult, so difficult.I have chosen my own way of dealing with losing dad.It seems to work best for me right now...I pretend that it never happened.That I never lost my advisor,my cool guy, my gardening buddy.My comrade on every happy and loud Sunday morning.And that one person who always believed in me...even when self confidence was at an all-time low.

Late last year ,I attended a memorial service for someone I had known briefly and was fond of.A wound had been re-opened.I was reminded again of how fragile life really is...how uncertain it can be.But how wonderful...and how in that span you have the ability to make something great of your life.

It is always so touching to hear stories of past memories .Soon after dad passed away, I wouldn't have any of it.I didn't want to hear stories from the past, that would only force me to accept the present...But today..there are some days, listening to stories,most that I've heard before,it makes me smile.Thinking of dad as a youngster,bullying the neighbour's kids...standing up for his friends and siblings,relishing his favorite roadside food,stealing his uncle's car..all these warm memories make me smile.I am trying to block out the last year ...the illness..the weakness ,the irritability and pain.I don't want that to be the way I remember him most recently...but what can I do? When I try and see him in my mind..that's all that I can conjure up- Daddy weak and frail, walking unsteadily,gasping for breath,lying dwarfed by a hospital bed,hand riddled with needles and pain, scared...

Why did that illness take from me my memories of daddy? The cheeriest man,the loudest man couldn't string two sentences together without gasping or wheezing in between.Daddy ,who insisted that roadside food was totally safe ...wasn't allowed to eat it anymore.He would sniff sadly as we drove by.From the man who held my hand when I took my first steps...to the man who leaned heavily on me when he could barely manage steps of his own.From the bravest man I know,who insisted that no question was not worth asking,"What's the worst that they can say? No...that's the worst right?"..to a man whose face belied his fear when we wheeled him through those hospital doors.

My experience with cancer has always been a sad one.This one crushed me...it left me no will to live.I bet there are many others like me who have suffered through this terrible disease.Who have lost people they loved like life itself, and have lost to horrifying deaths like Daddy.Sometimes it is through these experiences,through such suffering that you find a common bond.I recently met someone ( who is now very important to me), through this process.Having lost her own mother very young,she has helped me regain a semblance of my zest for life.Something as personal as family and loss can help you forge bonds and find common ground.I believe in that now.

Something struck me at the memorial service I mentioned above.Listening to friends share their stories from an earlier time...I was reminded of stories we heard from people who had known dad.No one really remembers bad incidents or tells you of hurtful times...all they remember of a person's life is the good stuff.The happy days..the mischief..the laughs.

Memorial services are done differently where I am from.But what struck me at this,my first one in the US,was how similar they really are.A celebration of life, gratitude that you knew the person,perhaps a sign to let go of any remaining anger and a hope for the family to find acceptance and peace.The words were different...the colours,the language,the people...but the sentiment..the tears and the prayers..they were all the same.

Through out our lives we believe that language,race,culture and traditions are what defines us.Makes us who we are,and in doing so make us different from each other.

That day..I realised that in death,it is those very same things that unite us , that joins all our lives together with a common,unifying thread.

Now isn't this Ironic?

So there is this chance this one was inspired from the PhD comics...I've been reading them obsessively,have lost my sense of reality,and have needed reminding recently that they are fictional characters..Gasp!
Dealing with delusion has never been easy now has it....Forgive me this one indulgence!

Now this is Ironic!


A grad student turned ninety eight
Took the walk,got scooped the next day
You're starving,but look how much you weigh
You race to save your gel,but you're too late
Isn't it ironic...don't you think

It's like the roton who won't listen to a word you say
It's a free slice,but it's already stale
It's the paper draft that just didn't take
Who would've thought..it needed figures.


Mr.Smarty Pants' head began to sway
Fell asleep at a talk,one he gave meeting day
I screamed"Eureka!I knew I was right"..
Oops I'm looking at it from the wrong side
Well isn't that nice
And isn't it ironic..don't you think


Well your PI has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When your gel didn't run well,and the bands aren't right
Your post doc has a weird sense of humor when
He says you have to play music to his mice
And he isn't joking

It's showing up with a cloning manual on a date
It's talking prion disease while sharing a steak
It's writing a grant proposal to your future wife
It's making her first author
And being set for life

That isn't ironic..do you think...
Very normal...I do think

Deadlines have a funny way of sneaking up on you
You achieve nothing,yet you pass out
Yet you pass out


I'm toying with the idea of adding a link of me singing this version to music...hmmm. Either because I'm so wonderfully gifted..or the unlikely possibility of not wanting to work on paper that's due...
Maybe I'll conduct a poll instead...let me know what you think..

Volatile....

You taught me to walk
Today I lead
Faltering
Frail
Unsteady
Is it still you?

A tuft of hair
One painful wheeze
I ache to protect you
To comfort
To keep you safe
I failed.

Our roles were reversed
So quickly
So dependent
And child-like

I'll do better,please come back.

One fateful day
A haunting hour
You disappeared
Into a void

And I'm still here
Why.