Saturday, October 13, 2007

When you bleed just to know you are alive......

Sometimes I feel like I am dead..dead on the inside..
Like I cant feel a thing, and it doesn't matter
Like I cant feel a thing, and I really want to
Pain like gashes come raining down
But my soul sleeps, far away in a corner.

Is this something that happens to all of us? The more life we see, a little bit of us we lose each day. I know that I have seen alot...but is that reason to be marching towards emotional driftwood status!
Yesterday I was angry ....I was hurt..and I think what upset me most is the fact that I was feeling hurt at all.I don't like being vulnerable , or realising that things outside my power have the ability to affect me.Someone mentioned that being fragile to pain is only proof that you are human.....maybe that wise someone should take a bow here...coz that statement prompted me to write this.
Sometimes when I feel like I cant feel anything comes as a relief to feel pain , to simmer in anger.That proves that I can feel......I can bleed..I am alive.
Its so scary though...what if things in your life change you forever.Change you so that you cannot ever be the same.I used to care so much...I used to be so emotional...what happened to me? There are times...when I can feel the conflict of my current stoic self...and the fragile figure of ago....what does this mean..that the humanness is still there..and that it is fighting to get out? Or is this a new self that I must reconcile myself to.
What if I'll never feel again?What if my life will pass me by and I wont shed a tear? This is my fear, that tomorrow the earth will shake under my feet...and I wont lose sleep.....that tomorrow someone dear will pass me by and the memories will overtake my emotion.....
Perhaps this is idle worry....maybe this is part of the big word we call growing up! Maybe for some this may be a cause for worry.....for is my proof that I can feel!

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