Monday, February 23, 2009

My Questions over time...

I was spurred to write this after reading a prompt here ....I've never sat down to write inspired by another's thought...this is a first!

So this is a topic I have consciously avoided the past few months...that of Longevity.My dad was diagnosed with cancer the week before my wedding (about 7 months ago) and it took me many months to accept that he was sick.Only recently,I cried the whole night,body-wracking sobs and wailing that forced me to accept it...and to question it...

The first of many questions..Why my dad? Why my 'daddy'?

I have been a daddy's girl most of my life.(Except when it was convenient to switch because Dad was being strict for some unfathomable reason..I mean come on,staying out past 4 am and walking home alone is so mundane!) To think that he was ill...with a disease that we could never really win a battle against made me angry.I felt like being in the field was a cruel joke ..one I would not survive.

Once a tentative acceptance had been forged....my question melted into Will he get better?

Doctors confirmed with official shakes of the head that he would indeed be fine..soon.I entertained visions of him visiting me in Lusaka,staying in my( first ever married girls) house,watching with swollen chest my PhD graduation as tears streamed down his stubbled face.I am not sure anymore...I want to hope but am scared.

Watching him these past few months in the hospital..dwarfed by the bed and attached to an IV..my eyes well up each time I enter his room, and each time I leave.I see his eyes search for a sign that he is free to join me journey home.I remember the time ,as a 5 year old I came down with a bout of pneumonia.He couldn't stand the sight of my arm being pierced in search of a vein..and was asked to leave the room,tears streaming down his face.Daddy...why are you leaving me?, I shrieked.Always I asked him questions...only the words changing with time.

He knew the answers....he knows them all....

I was a mess...one week to go till the wedding and no smiles in place.My daddy gave me that strength.He wore his biggest smile...he shrugged on his strongest self...and gave me a wedding,memories and a life that dreams are made of.All of it...my daddy did for me.
All through the wedding....I took my dad aside...How are you feeling dad?

He smiled for the camera..he smiled for me...

My brother got married the month after me.The year that was to be the highlight in Iyer history..was quickly turning into a dramatic nightmare.Dad was 2 sessions of chemotherapy down..and showing the effect.Tired, sad and angry....he struggled to be a dashing Father of the Groom...From the strongest man I have ever known to a dependent patient he made a transition...one that broke me to watch.

What can I get you daddy?

With time....the words morphed into newer questions.They say time changes things...it brings acceptance...and peace.For me, time brought newer challenges...newer questions..

Can I deal with this? Can I grow up quick enough?

I was daddy's princess...I still am! We are cut of the same bolt,he and I.We shared a passion...for fun,laughter and gardening.Sunday mornings were often spent pottering around outside with a frisky mutt for company.Daddy is my hero.He understood my need to 'be myself'.To spread my wings...to fly.He said he understood if I never found someone I wanted to marry....
He understood when I did, he hugs Mosi like a son...although he never accepts how emotional that day was for him....

Did I hurt you daddy?

A few days ago...Dad suffered an electrolyte imbalance.His immunity is shot from the chemo..and the drugs are fogging his mind.He isn't coherent today...doesn't remember things clearly...

Do you remember me Daddy?

I get on a plane to go home tomorrow.....a question that I had hoped would not cross my mind..atleast not this soon passes foreboding...

How much time do we have Daddy?

Tears roll down my face....

7 comments:

Cynic in Wonderland said...

hang in there babes. when there is life, there is hope.

believe me. I lost my father to a heart attack in office. he went like a normal day and never came back.

as long as he has doctors and people trying and fighting for him, dont lose hope. and my prayers for him.

Library Girl said...

I agree. Hang in there! Sometimes the journey has to be had to appreciate the destination. Love him like you do and anything is possible!

Potheek Aami said...

This is amazing.

Please keep writing. May HE give you the strength to persevere the pain, and become more patient.

Chaitali said...

this brought back memories when i went thru a similar phase...
can/will never feel she is not there with me/for me...
I cried reading this blog and felt her beside me...
be strong shilpa! i know u will, i know u are.
God Bless

Aneesh said...

[HUG]

Anali said...

Oh Shilpa. I'm so sorry. I'll be sending prayers your way.

shilpa said...

Cyn...thanks so much.Sorry to hear about ur dad

Library girl...thank you

Potheek Aami..thanks for stopping by...Thanks for your prayers!

Chaitali...thanks for the comment! Sorry for your loss!..thanks for the encouragement

Aneesh..thanks I really needed the hug!

Anali..thanks for your prayers!