Daddy passed away ....20th of April...
I am his mirror.....I was his reflection....
Today, I am all alone.
Endlessly revisiting a bad idea
5 years ago
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Torn....
When did it get like this ? Why is it so hard to see black from white today? Everything seems misted with a powdery grey mist.Tears stream down my face as I sit to write this..knowing that the subject of this post,like others before,will be daddy.So far from me...not a second removed from me though.....
What do I want for him?
Years ago....perhaps even this time last year the answer was so easy...For daddy to have a long life,be healthy,be with me through everything,see me through everything....Share my life with me! I took it for granted..Sure he would be around when I turned 30...40.He would be the one I called when I was given the green light to graduate,"Daddy,( I'd say..all bossy!) book tickets..your princess is graduating"
When I felt pain,I'd look to see if it mirrored in his eyes...and it would.Each time..When I laughed...Only he laughed louder...when I raged,only him to match me!When I said 'sorry', a shrug and a hug to follow....I knew things were so easy then.'Sorry' fixed most things,'I love you' fixed the rest!
I wanted for him to lead a peaceful life....retire..enjoy his 60's.Immerse himself in gardening,learning to sing...play the piano ( remember pinao daddy?) He insists, even today, on immitating all my mis-pronunciations.I replied to his admonition of 'bad girl Shilpa' with my very own, " Bad girl daddy!"...I wish I was back there today.Life was not so complicated...it was not so layered..
I wanted years and years of life with him....More memories..more time.
What do I want today?
I don't know..I want him to enjoy some peace...to not feel pain,to not be weak..or ill.I want him to be home for weeks at a stretch..never see a hospital bed again.I want his fragile arms to never feel the poke of a needle again...never need a pint of someone's blood.I don't want him to shed one more tear...never need one more test.I don't ever want him to suffer....
Does that mean..that I have to be prepared to say goodbye?
I don't want to...I want to hold on ...forever.Tighter and tighter...and never let anything come between us....
It seemed so easy ..to know what I want for him....
Now I'm torn.....
What do I want for him?
Years ago....perhaps even this time last year the answer was so easy...For daddy to have a long life,be healthy,be with me through everything,see me through everything....Share my life with me! I took it for granted..Sure he would be around when I turned 30...40.He would be the one I called when I was given the green light to graduate,"Daddy,( I'd say..all bossy!) book tickets..your princess is graduating"
When I felt pain,I'd look to see if it mirrored in his eyes...and it would.Each time..When I laughed...Only he laughed louder...when I raged,only him to match me!When I said 'sorry', a shrug and a hug to follow....I knew things were so easy then.'Sorry' fixed most things,'I love you' fixed the rest!
I wanted for him to lead a peaceful life....retire..enjoy his 60's.Immerse himself in gardening,learning to sing...play the piano ( remember pinao daddy?) He insists, even today, on immitating all my mis-pronunciations.I replied to his admonition of 'bad girl Shilpa' with my very own, " Bad girl daddy!"...I wish I was back there today.Life was not so complicated...it was not so layered..
I wanted years and years of life with him....More memories..more time.
What do I want today?
I don't know..I want him to enjoy some peace...to not feel pain,to not be weak..or ill.I want him to be home for weeks at a stretch..never see a hospital bed again.I want his fragile arms to never feel the poke of a needle again...never need a pint of someone's blood.I don't want him to shed one more tear...never need one more test.I don't ever want him to suffer....
Does that mean..that I have to be prepared to say goodbye?
I don't want to...I want to hold on ...forever.Tighter and tighter...and never let anything come between us....
It seemed so easy ..to know what I want for him....
Now I'm torn.....
Friday, April 03, 2009
Karma Confusion....
So..well of course sentimental babbling is so not me! It's just the whole similie of life as a bungee jump hit me while I was researching ( read Facebooking!) ...
This is another thought process that I kickstarted on my recent trip India..My dad spent a lot of time in the hospital.Most of my three weeks was spent sitting by his bedside,wishing we were all somewhere else.Someone else..a different start!..Many many hours I watched, the hypnotic drip of his IV line,the steady breath of someone in a drug-induced slumber,the clockwork check by a nurse on call ..so many activities..and still I felt like I was frozen in time.So helpless , too powerless to change anything....
India has this magic..it gets me thinking each time.( Scarier still since I am on the course to a phd , and hence earth-shaking thought process should be an everyday activity! bah humbug!) This time around..I landed on a question of Karma.So each time prior to this one,I'd question my dad's illness.Each session begun with a mournful "Why me ?"...ending on a statement of similar sentiment.I envied friend's parents being able to visit them in a new home, I wished mine could stay away from hospital for a month.I was jealous when my friends could have conversation with their parents that didn't center around Chemotherapy or pain or appetite loss.Was this Karma ? Was I being leveled for feeling pangs of jealousy?
I have not been a saint.There are people I have hurt.I know I have.If you're reading this, you know who you are,I am sorry.I wish there was a way to go back...change all that.Is that Karma? A lesson for all the stuff I've done? Harsh words,exacting expectations and immature exchanges..ahh for the things I could take back.
Is it true that it catches up with you? Is that Karma ? Am I to expect payback for every thing I've done? Is there a way to offset this crazy cycle? What exactly are the terms of this leveling mechanism?
If I could...I'd do anything to change what my family is going through now.People write to me..tell me they admire how we are dealing with it all.They help us keep going.Because the Lord knows it..We haven't a clue.I don't know the best way to react just yet.Or how sad I am allowed to be.Or how its ok to live my life from time to time.
Perhaps its also alright for me to wish that I had a normal 20's.With parents visiting me,and where going home didn't mean days at the hospital.No jealousy....just wishes...
But this past few months I have spent more time with my dad , than I ever have growing up.Why do we wait till we have bad news to huddle together? I have supported him more this last few months than I ever have before.I have held him more...wiped away more tears.I have let myself go..and lived for the present than ever before.I have delighted in little things,him being able to walk by himself, I have been more his daughter this past year than the last 24.
I know him better now.I have been there to comfort him, to translate ' medical jargon' for him..to allay his fears.To love him...for now..for every day we have together.To have him tell me how much I mean to him..
Is this Karma too...I guess I'll take it!
This is another thought process that I kickstarted on my recent trip India..My dad spent a lot of time in the hospital.Most of my three weeks was spent sitting by his bedside,wishing we were all somewhere else.Someone else..a different start!..Many many hours I watched, the hypnotic drip of his IV line,the steady breath of someone in a drug-induced slumber,the clockwork check by a nurse on call ..so many activities..and still I felt like I was frozen in time.So helpless , too powerless to change anything....
India has this magic..it gets me thinking each time.( Scarier still since I am on the course to a phd , and hence earth-shaking thought process should be an everyday activity! bah humbug!) This time around..I landed on a question of Karma.So each time prior to this one,I'd question my dad's illness.Each session begun with a mournful "Why me ?"...ending on a statement of similar sentiment.I envied friend's parents being able to visit them in a new home, I wished mine could stay away from hospital for a month.I was jealous when my friends could have conversation with their parents that didn't center around Chemotherapy or pain or appetite loss.Was this Karma ? Was I being leveled for feeling pangs of jealousy?
I have not been a saint.There are people I have hurt.I know I have.If you're reading this, you know who you are,I am sorry.I wish there was a way to go back...change all that.Is that Karma? A lesson for all the stuff I've done? Harsh words,exacting expectations and immature exchanges..ahh for the things I could take back.
Is it true that it catches up with you? Is that Karma ? Am I to expect payback for every thing I've done? Is there a way to offset this crazy cycle? What exactly are the terms of this leveling mechanism?
If I could...I'd do anything to change what my family is going through now.People write to me..tell me they admire how we are dealing with it all.They help us keep going.Because the Lord knows it..We haven't a clue.I don't know the best way to react just yet.Or how sad I am allowed to be.Or how its ok to live my life from time to time.
Perhaps its also alright for me to wish that I had a normal 20's.With parents visiting me,and where going home didn't mean days at the hospital.No jealousy....just wishes...
But this past few months I have spent more time with my dad , than I ever have growing up.Why do we wait till we have bad news to huddle together? I have supported him more this last few months than I ever have before.I have held him more...wiped away more tears.I have let myself go..and lived for the present than ever before.I have delighted in little things,him being able to walk by himself, I have been more his daughter this past year than the last 24.
I know him better now.I have been there to comfort him, to translate ' medical jargon' for him..to allay his fears.To love him...for now..for every day we have together.To have him tell me how much I mean to him..
Is this Karma too...I guess I'll take it!
A leap of faith!
So I just re-visited pictures from a trip to Livingstone...Of my Bungee jumping adventure and the rush of freedom that I felt with it..It kicked up a thought process...that translated into this..
A chance meeting,
A sudden decision,
One thin bridge -
Forged over rumbling waters.
A brief training,
One single instructor
5 terrifying moments-
One deep breath.
A question of faith,
A tremble of future,
One binding rope,
One lifeline!
A walk to the edge,
A glance down the gorge,
A robust countdown-
A leap of faith.
One weightless moment,
A downward hurtle,
An anxious prayer,
And the cord jerks!
Hanging by my feet,
The world is upside down,
A new beauty-
A breath of life!
I'd do this again....I did...This is how I met you Mosi!
Me!
A chance meeting,
A sudden decision,
One thin bridge -
Forged over rumbling waters.
A brief training,
One single instructor
5 terrifying moments-
One deep breath.
A question of faith,
A tremble of future,
One binding rope,
One lifeline!
A walk to the edge,
A glance down the gorge,
A robust countdown-
A leap of faith.
One weightless moment,
A downward hurtle,
An anxious prayer,
And the cord jerks!
Hanging by my feet,
The world is upside down,
A new beauty-
A breath of life!
I'd do this again....I did...This is how I met you Mosi!
Me!
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