Thursday, April 16, 2009

Torn....

When did it get like this ? Why is it so hard to see black from white today? Everything seems misted with a powdery grey mist.Tears stream down my face as I sit to write this..knowing that the subject of this post,like others before,will be daddy.So far from me...not a second removed from me though.....

What do I want for him?

Years ago....perhaps even this time last year the answer was so easy...For daddy to have a long life,be healthy,be with me through everything,see me through everything....Share my life with me! I took it for granted..Sure he would be around when I turned 30...40.He would be the one I called when I was given the green light to graduate,"Daddy,( I'd say..all bossy!) book tickets..your princess is graduating"

When I felt pain,I'd look to see if it mirrored in his eyes...and it would.Each time..When I laughed...Only he laughed louder...when I raged,only him to match me!When I said 'sorry', a shrug and a hug to follow....I knew things were so easy then.'Sorry' fixed most things,'I love you' fixed the rest!

I wanted for him to lead a peaceful life....retire..enjoy his 60's.Immerse himself in gardening,learning to sing...play the piano ( remember pinao daddy?) He insists, even today, on immitating all my mis-pronunciations.I replied to his admonition of 'bad girl Shilpa' with my very own, " Bad girl daddy!"...I wish I was back there today.Life was not so complicated...it was not so layered..

I wanted years and years of life with him....More memories..more time.

What do I want today?

I don't know..I want him to enjoy some peace...to not feel pain,to not be weak..or ill.I want him to be home for weeks at a stretch..never see a hospital bed again.I want his fragile arms to never feel the poke of a needle again...never need a pint of someone's blood.I don't want him to shed one more tear...never need one more test.I don't ever want him to suffer....

Does that mean..that I have to be prepared to say goodbye?

I don't want to...I want to hold on ...forever.Tighter and tighter...and never let anything come between us....

It seemed so easy ..to know what I want for him....

Now I'm torn.....

8 comments:

Mukta said...

hey! hope you shall find all the strength and love in the world to hold on!

Anali said...

I'm sending you peaceful thoughts and prayers Shilpa. I'd give you a cupcake if I could. : )

chitra said...

hey!!!u shall find all the strength my dear....don't worry...just be calm and patient...

Prasanna said...

You, along with Sid and Mom are constantly in our Prayers.....I pray to God to give you strength and peace.

Shruti said...

hey dear...im sure u will find all the strength..take care ...

shilpa said...

Thanks for all the support everyone!

anwesha said...

I won't say I can understand how you feel..coz I can't! No one will ever feel the way you are feeling now for your daddy...But all I could say it...if this pain has come by..may God give you all the strength to bear it through and come out much stronger than ever before ..take care of yourself and mom ..

shilpa said...

Thanks for the note Anwesha...it is a tough time..and Im not sure I am strong enough