Friday, April 03, 2009

Karma Confusion....

So..well of course sentimental babbling is so not me! It's just the whole similie of life as a bungee jump hit me while I was researching ( read Facebooking!) ...

This is another thought process that I kickstarted on my recent trip India..My dad spent a lot of time in the hospital.Most of my three weeks was spent sitting by his bedside,wishing we were all somewhere else.Someone else..a different start!..Many many hours I watched, the hypnotic drip of his IV line,the steady breath of someone in a drug-induced slumber,the clockwork check by a nurse on call ..so many activities..and still I felt like I was frozen in time.So helpless , too powerless to change anything....

India has this magic..it gets me thinking each time.( Scarier still since I am on the course to a phd , and hence earth-shaking thought process should be an everyday activity! bah humbug!) This time around..I landed on a question of Karma.So each time prior to this one,I'd question my dad's illness.Each session begun with a mournful "Why me ?"...ending on a statement of similar sentiment.I envied friend's parents being able to visit them in a new home, I wished mine could stay away from hospital for a month.I was jealous when my friends could have conversation with their parents that didn't center around Chemotherapy or pain or appetite loss.Was this Karma ? Was I being leveled for feeling pangs of jealousy?

I have not been a saint.There are people I have hurt.I know I have.If you're reading this, you know who you are,I am sorry.I wish there was a way to go back...change all that.Is that Karma? A lesson for all the stuff I've done? Harsh words,exacting expectations and immature exchanges..ahh for the things I could take back.

Is it true that it catches up with you? Is that Karma ? Am I to expect payback for every thing I've done? Is there a way to offset this crazy cycle? What exactly are the terms of this leveling mechanism?

If I could...I'd do anything to change what my family is going through now.People write to me..tell me they admire how we are dealing with it all.They help us keep going.Because the Lord knows it..We haven't a clue.I don't know the best way to react just yet.Or how sad I am allowed to be.Or how its ok to live my life from time to time.

Perhaps its also alright for me to wish that I had a normal 20's.With parents visiting me,and where going home didn't mean days at the hospital.No jealousy....just wishes...

But this past few months I have spent more time with my dad , than I ever have growing up.Why do we wait till we have bad news to huddle together? I have supported him more this last few months than I ever have before.I have held him more...wiped away more tears.I have let myself go..and lived for the present than ever before.I have delighted in little things,him being able to walk by himself, I have been more his daughter this past year than the last 24.

I know him better now.I have been there to comfort him, to translate ' medical jargon' for him..to allay his fears.To love him...for now..for every day we have together.To have him tell me how much I mean to him..

Is this Karma too...I guess I'll take it!

6 comments:

Cynic in Wonderland said...

..there is a book called "why bad things happen to good people" get hold of it if you can.

and yes, this wistful looking at other people is very normal if you are going thru traumatic times.

trite as this might sound, difficult times, actually bring out the strength in you.

Anali said...

It's strange how that happens. Even in the worst, there is good. But it takes someone with an open heart to see it.

Humbling Frodos said...

Dear Iyer,
Thank you for your wonderful comments! writing is fun!
I dono what exactly to say..you know that i hurt more if i know some1 i love is hurting. But i guess, we all have to go thru horrible times, i dono why exactly. You are doing a good job.
I know you are a strong girl.
Yes, the girl in my blog is you. And yes, the girl in my blog is me... not too well disguised is she???!

Anonymous said...

I went thru this stage in life too - when my brother was down with cancer for 8 months in germany (passed away eventually in indore, MP).

wondering what karma had to do with him going away at 23, just when his life had really started!

just blame it on all the times he beat me, laugh and go on...! ;-P

mom has a very happy and positive outlook to the illness and death of someone close to her. i share most of her thoughts too -
-> its an honor to be part of such a dramatic episode in someones life; to be able to serve this person
-> death is not a full stop; its a comma.
-> Karma: its like a bank account of life. try to make deposits of good deeds so that u'll reap the benefits later. too many withdrawals in the form of mistakes in life will eventually have to be paid back with interest (in this or some other life).

Your dad is medically weak. Make his mind stronger that the darn cancer. Its nothing more than a disease after all... And you be strongest...

BIG HUG!

shilpa said...

Cyn..thanks a bunch.Ill try and get my hands on that book! Tough times do bring out the strength in me..another weird one .I don't need to eat as much as I thought I did!

Anali...thanks for your comment!! Thinking is a great thing.You're right the good is always there...Every lining has a silver cloud ;)

Frodo my friend..I know what you mean.I adore you for your strength..and for making my life yours! You give me courage to continue...We share space on blogworld !!!

Anon..Thanks for sharing your story.Its wonderful to hear that you were able to find the strength to deal with your brothers illness.I find strength in that...Thanks for the note...I will try and be strong!

Anonymous said...

Dear Shilpa ... this is the first time im reading ur blog ... i am going thro the same phase as you with my father being diagnosed of cancer... i am still in the denial phase... i really appreciate ur strength ... God bless you ..