So..well of course sentimental babbling is so not me! It's just the whole similie of life as a bungee jump hit me while I was researching ( read Facebooking!) ...
This is another thought process that I kickstarted on my recent trip India..My dad spent a lot of time in the hospital.Most of my three weeks was spent sitting by his bedside,wishing we were all somewhere else.Someone else..a different start!..Many many hours I watched, the hypnotic drip of his IV line,the steady breath of someone in a drug-induced slumber,the clockwork check by a nurse on call ..so many activities..and still I felt like I was frozen in time.So helpless , too powerless to change anything....
India has this magic..it gets me thinking each time.( Scarier still since I am on the course to a phd , and hence earth-shaking thought process should be an everyday activity! bah humbug!) This time around..I landed on a question of Karma.So each time prior to this one,I'd question my dad's illness.Each session begun with a mournful "Why me ?"...ending on a statement of similar sentiment.I envied friend's parents being able to visit them in a new home, I wished mine could stay away from hospital for a month.I was jealous when my friends could have conversation with their parents that didn't center around Chemotherapy or pain or appetite loss.Was this Karma ? Was I being leveled for feeling pangs of jealousy?
I have not been a saint.There are people I have hurt.I know I have.If you're reading this, you know who you are,I am sorry.I wish there was a way to go back...change all that.Is that Karma? A lesson for all the stuff I've done? Harsh words,exacting expectations and immature exchanges..ahh for the things I could take back.
Is it true that it catches up with you? Is that Karma ? Am I to expect payback for every thing I've done? Is there a way to offset this crazy cycle? What exactly are the terms of this leveling mechanism?
If I could...I'd do anything to change what my family is going through now.People write to me..tell me they admire how we are dealing with it all.They help us keep going.Because the Lord knows it..We haven't a clue.I don't know the best way to react just yet.Or how sad I am allowed to be.Or how its ok to live my life from time to time.
Perhaps its also alright for me to wish that I had a normal 20's.With parents visiting me,and where going home didn't mean days at the hospital.No jealousy....just wishes...
But this past few months I have spent more time with my dad , than I ever have growing up.Why do we wait till we have bad news to huddle together? I have supported him more this last few months than I ever have before.I have held him more...wiped away more tears.I have let myself go..and lived for the present than ever before.I have delighted in little things,him being able to walk by himself, I have been more his daughter this past year than the last 24.
I know him better now.I have been there to comfort him, to translate ' medical jargon' for him..to allay his fears.To love him...for now..for every day we have together.To have him tell me how much I mean to him..
Is this Karma too...I guess I'll take it!
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