Sunday, October 12, 2008

If Orhan Pamuk wrote Harry Potter

I will be called ,"He who must not be named"
I am extraordinary.I am aware of it.By the grace of our Exalted Wizard , I have been born to strike terror.I will live on ,immortal,in service to our great Wizard.The Headmaster,really an ordinary sort,has no inkling of the power these 4 walls contain.He looked at me the other day,"Boy,why has your potion turned red,I specifically said pink"."Red is the colour of those who bow to our Exalted Wizard,pink is for girls,"I said,"My name is Red!"I knew the time had come.The traitors to our Lord must be Killed.They do not share our vision of the Book.They do not bow to his greatness as the source of all marvel in this world.I must leave at night, and kill them all.

I will be called ,'The one who survived'
There was a 'thud!' at the door, and an ugly,tall man walked in.He waved a long stick at my father, and poor daddy fell unconcious.I remember some pretty green smoke though.I have been told that green is the colour of my people.I belong to the group that does not accept the Insulted Wizard or something like that.Its all very exciting.Mommy picked me up and tried to run away.But the ugly man caught up to us.He told my mom that since we do not bow to his Ruler, we must die.Yes,me too!..And then he waved hs stick and mommy fell too.I felt the same.

I am called Nothing
Why didn't he die? What has become of me ? I have no mortal body.None to ply in service of the great Wizard .No hands to offer , to paint in his glorious book, to gild or to write.This is a fate worse than death.

I am a cat.
I have been sitting on this wall for an hour now.There is news that we have a new saviour.I must check if it is true.There is a rumour that he will be brought to the house that is within this wall.What an odd house."I want more food",thats the fat boy who lives here,"Yes pumpkin",thats his over-indulgent mom, and there is a grouchy rotund father as well.Surely the saviour can't live here.Not when the Exalted Wizard lives in his palace.Surely our lot deserves more.

I am called Black.
I am the saviour's godfather.I believe in him.As I was talking with the Headmaster of Hogwarts , School of Witchcraft and Miniatury,Prof Dumbledore,he said,"keep your eye on him Black,he is in grave danger.They know that we no longer support the Book.But that we will commision him to make us another.With the training that he will receive here, he will be the best miniaturist in all the realms of the Wizard's fiefdom.He will paint as though the colours flow through his very veins.Each tree he depicts will talk to the viewer.Almost like that one,the Whomping willow.His animals will be so lifelike that they will appear to be like humans.Sometimes even transfigured.He will save us, and this Red, or Nothing as he is called now, shall never know!"Having said,Dumbledore retired into his inner chamber.I , Black wandered in search of pigments.

I will be called a Murderer
What a swagger that man,Black has!How arrogant he appears ,all because he is Godfather to some silly boy.No one will ever be able to match my power,my immortality.They must bow to me, as a true messenger from our Exalted Sultan.How easy it would be to slit his throat right here.Perhaps I will...Or maybe I will use something more in keeping with my skills..A flash of green light....

I am a corpse.
I knew my end had come, even before the green light grazed me.I could feel myself fall to the floor..Looking up,I saw the vile face of my murderer.I saw him turn and leave, his black coat billowing behind him.His wand slipped out of his pocket.It came to rest,ironically on the spot that just earlier it's issued green light hit me.I have no regrets,my only worry is my Godson.There will be no one to guide him on our quest of the Book.If only I could tell him what it means to our people.This book will contain the greatest of all spells,potions and incantations.I shut my eyes,I die.

I am a Wand
I know all the signs of a great Wizard.It is said in our books,that Our Lord gave us eyes to see the world as he intended it.I,however ensure that a Wizard can make out of the world that which he choses.The wizard does not chose me, I chose the wizard.And in doing so,make him who he is.Currently I rest on Black's noble chest. I know the murderer, I felt his hand on me. Who's this... I get picked up from Black's chest.

I am the Minister
I see Black laying dead with his wand by his side. There is a second wand on his chest. I pick it up. It could be that of the murderer. I will find out whose wand it is by giving it to Ollivander the wand maker. I wonder whose wand it is. I hope it is not that of one of my underlings, none over whose magic I govern, it will be a sad day for me... I mean... us.

I am an assistant
My supreme lord the exalted Ollivander has left in search of holly wood for his newest wand creation. he thinks that even squibs will be able to have magic with a wand made from Holly wood. I think if such a thing is possible, it will only be by trickery. Anyway, I much prefer Bolly wood for my wands. Ah, it's the Minister, gracing our shop, with his muddy shoes. What an honour. The Minister barked, "Boy, hurry up, call Ollivander. I have business of the highest importance with him." I said, "But, your grace, Mr Ollivander has gone over the oceans to find Holly wood." The Minister went red and shouted, " But I need him now. How dare he not be here? These dreams of Holly wood will never work. He will be corrupted by American ideals. I hear muggles make wands out of plastic and dress up like us... worse yet they get rewarded with candy. How can a place like that have any use for the Minister's... I mean the exalted Wizard's wand maker? Anyway, boy, you seem to know what you are doing. Take this wand. Find its owner. I will be back tomorrow for the answer. Do not fail me... and do not make wands in the new style. Remember, oak birch and phoenix feathers like the expert wand makers. I cannot believe this holly corruption has reached our Ollivander." I took the wand and bowed for the pearls of wisdom from our exalted Minister.

I am wandless
Killing of the traitor has proved even more troublesome.My faithful wand must have fallen in the duel.Our Exalted Wizard,praise be to him,will be sp thrilled with our new Book.Every dark spell, every torture technique....All those potions famililar more by smell than sight.I have been raised in their shadows.Ahh....Panchi...Where is my faithful butterfly? Come my precious..are you hungry....?

I am the Minister
I hurried back into the Wandmaker's store.The adolescent boy hurried to the store front."So, who does it belong to lad?",I said impaitently.He blinked...swallowed nervously,He offered,"My Lord,Ollivander ,bless him,has taught me only thus far...",he said his name ,defernetially , almost shyly.Is there something going on between Olivander and this youth.No doubt he is slender and has beutiful,sinewy arms."Anyway, what can you tell me then?,I demanded ,irked."My grace, the wand is made of Birch wood and Phoenix core.The phoenix who gave this feather,gave only one other.That other feather resides in the wand of the boy who survived,Harry Potter".My eyes widended...I turned on my heels."Curious, here is my best chance to defame Harry.If he can't find out the owner,I must have him taken away.He is rapidly progressing towards fame,some
say he will be Minister!I can't allow it..our Exalted Wizard must only turn to me!! "

His gorgeous black scar into me.Silly boy,telling me about Gilding when all I want are his arms around me.I can feel Draco's lustful stare ,sear into my back.How nice to be sought after by both.Orhan and Shevket,dart in front of me.Odd how they get a snowy owl,the other a horned toad.Ah..I haven't had a letter from Draco in a while..where is that Parvati..she is getting to be a nuisance!"So Ginny, you see,Gilding is a gift.Only those who truly believe can gild,can paint,can..."His sentence was ended by the Minister,who eyes blazing yanked him by the collar of his cloak.

I am Harry
Neck still smarting,I was marched off by the fudgy hands of the Minister.He really must wash his hands after a snack."My boy,you owe the Ministry a favour from your last outing with the Gaping Gargoyle.You must find the owner of this wand.In three days...Or I might be forced to consider that it is yours.You and Professor Snape will spend your time in the Room of Requisition.Hopefully,you will find all you need",he smirked.Off I was marched...

I am the Exalted Wizard
I deign my permission upon you magical folk,Go onward into the Room, and declare to us the owner of this wand.And committer of crime.Our world needs a hero!

I am Severus Snape
Me and this annoying boy were sealed into the Room.We both shut our eyes and thought of a way to solve this conundrum.The room magically transformed into Hogwarts grounds.It looked just like an oft seen scene in my mind.The one where Lily gazes at James'untidy hair and fall in love with him.Ah Lily...But I musn't waver from my task.From my dedication to our Exalted Wizard.I must prove that I have only him in my thoughts..and have given up my life to his service.I must go dumb..never utter another word.Silence...

I am Harry
Stupid Snape sank to his knees and kissed the ground.And settled into a peaceful penance.What use is he? What shall I do now? Where is the Answer?

I am,He who must not be named.
I burst into the Room.The only place that could help me find my wand.What's slit like eyes pick up a figure.My serpentine nostrils smell his banality.Its the boy!Accio...and my wand flew into its rightful place."Ahh,he gasped, so you own this wand".Yes you oaf,now prepare to die!Avada Kedavra.."Expeilliarmus" echoed at the same instant.Our wands their shared cores.

I am the Phoenix feather.

I shoot out my spell...aimed at that..wait its my Brother.Here I am disarming him, when I really want to embrace his core.I was second born...I am stronger.I force him to my side..Come to me,it's over.You are home.

I will be the one who does not get Detention
I saw the beads of light move towards his wand.My wand was winning!His quivered, and regurtitated his last spell...the killing of my Godfather.I saw his form,smoky yet handsome appear..And with renewed anger I conquered the Nameless Snake.

The hunt is over.There are two things that I have secretly hoped for all this time.
1.That I marry Harry.
2.That we commission a painting of my patronus to grace the cover of the Book.

In the hope that this story be told,I sat down with my maid,J.K.Rowling..perhaps she will reveal our glorious past.Don't be taken in if Harry is more untidy than he is,Draco more smooth,or Shevket more warted.There is never a lie she would deign to tell, to make a tale more enchanting. But who's this she is writing to..Who is Orhan Pamuk?

The Parody makers-

Shilpa and Mosilager

Thenext in the series ,continuing a brilliant start by said Mosi .


Mosilager said...

hahahha hilarious... i have to say my contribution to this is vastly exaggerated... i just provided a few words, shilpa did everything else.

shilpa said...

aha...Thanks Dr Mosi!!!>.Of course you helped..not just with some words..but as a sounding board for a lot of the ideas!!!!
I'm glad we got this revenge on he who made us read and repent!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

this is brilliant.

shilpa said...

Thanks Cynic..I appreciate the compliment!

Ashwin Kelkar said...

fundooo... awesomely written madame iyer...

Ashwin Kelkar said...

though i have no idea who Orhan Pamuk is...

shilpa said...

Thanks Ashwin!!I had a blast writing it!!
FYI Orhan Pamuk is the Nobel Prize winner for Literature in 2006..This is a parody of 'My name is Red'